Chapter Three: Internal Surprise
“Who are you, and where’s John?” I hear EJ ask.
I grin at her joke; the joke that she’s used since we got married. If I’m ever distant or acting strange, she’ll ask me that, and I’ll realize what I’m doing.
I experience just such a moment, and I am astounded by her perceptiveness. I give her a side-hug as we stand at our balcony. I think back over our week, and forward to the final week, my mind registers my distance. The mental, and emotional distance I’ve suspected but not quite given credibility.
“You’ve been like this for too long, John. Haven’t you noticed?”
It all becomes clear. I suddenly see why my wife and I are enjoying the southern shore of France at the expense of my business. I have no passion any more. My boss sees it. My parents see it. My wife, obviously, sees it.
In other words, I realize, I’m no fun any more.
“I have noticed,” I say softly, still embracing her.
“What happened? Do you know?”
“I can’t say, because I don’t know. There isn’t anything in the world I would trade my life for. I can see that I have a good job, a good retirement plan, and a good family, and a beautiful wife.”
She giggles, and my heart glows. I love it when she giggles.
“There’s something missing. I have no desire. I am not chasing anything,” I say, the words pouring out of my mouth, as if I am not saying them. “I lost my purpose, and I am now passively waiting for life to control me. I’m just rolling with the punches.”
EJ looks up at me, and she mmm’s. She’s my favorite person to talk to because I can bounce things off of her.
“I don’t have anything to fight for. It’s all taken care of. I’ve got my girl. I’ve got my job. I’ve got my plans. I’m set, I’ve got the life I wanted. Or… the one I thought I wanted.”
The urge to run, fills my breast, and I feel my muscles crying for freedom.
“I’ll be back!” I shout over my shoulder, as I sprint towards the lovely cliff my wife and I enjoy picnics on.
“What are you doing?” EJ returns.
“I’m finding John!”
My spirits soar as a navigate the rough terrain in my khaki cargo shorts and polo. The lovely crisp coastal air whips around my body, and finally I’m forced to slow down.
My mind races as my adrenaline-pumped body starts sloshing through the Atlantic Ocean’s water. I realize I’m insane, but I have wanted to climb the sheer cliff since I arrived at my beautiful villa. I close my eyes and dive under the water. My eyes adjust to the water, and I see a small school of fish. I swim towards the cliff which is barely fifty feet away.
Upon reaching the rock my inner cautiousness takes over, and I nearly submit to panic.
“No,” I growl, and fiercely begin attacking the wall. The cliff is an extremely difficult climb, even for someone with my semi-experience. The only helpful feature is the fact that the cliff leans back. Thus, when standing on a foot hold, you can let go of your handhold easier.
“What am I doing!” I think out loud, but half way up, I have no answer. I must continue.
My mind suddenly wanders from the current task; not a good thing. I begin dissecting the question again. My mind is suddenly separate, or, at least, I feel it is. My body seems to be guided in its steps, not missing once. It doesn’t falter it just climbs. Mechanically almost, but more beautifully than a machine could. All the while my mind was spinning, swirling my thoughts, like a bored party guest swirls his wine. I was thinking about the question, and I kept getting a mental ‘NO!’, with each answer I provide.
I suddenly realize were I am: on top of the cliff. Adrenaline and testosterone course through my veins, and I let out a man-roar for the ages.
Then I fall to my knees, weak, I assume, from the climb. My mind hears whispers, warm, loving whispers.
You’re not who you think you are, John. You’re not who you’ve become.
I realize within myself… something. I have no explanation but the voice has made everything very clear.