Introduction: This is the strange and hilarious story of Bob, his friends, an evil enemy, and of course, PIE. It was written by what could have only been the mysterious whims of fate, a single friend, and the strange side of my mind.

So please enjoy this odd and random tale of Bob Loves PIE.

 

 

EPISODE 1

Bob Loves PIE. He does. And PIE Loves Bob. Yay.

Bob agrees with me. Did I mention Bob is an idiot?

Stevenson ate PIE.

Now Bob is mad. He will animate a cartoon to save his PIE. How will this help? I have absolutely no idea.

Bob finished his thingy. It is terrible. Bob should NEVER go into the movie making business.

Stevenson is happy, because PIE is in his stomach.

Bob, however, is very ery ery mad.

He donates Stevenson’s house to Robert. Robert loves houses.

Stevenson beats up Bob.

Bob took a trip to the hospital.

Bob vows revenge.

THE END

To be continued—when Bob feels better.

 

EPISODE 2

Stevenson is eating more PIE. Bob is stuck WITHOUT PIE in the hospital, but he is almost better. Then he will plot against Stevenson and do something.

Bob gets back home. He prepares for something. Bob is lost in his own home.

Poor Bob.

Bob, deprived of PIE, goes on a rampage through his house, and gets un-lost.

He calls his Grandma, who tells him she can’t hear him.

Bob gives up on that idea.

Bob sings a song for no reason.

He then goes to Clive’s house, where he finds Robert, who was kicked out from his house (which is actually Stevenson’s house) and now is with Clive.

They all prepare to plot against Stevenson.

Poor Stevenson.

But, after hours of eating frosting cake, they could not come up with any ideas.

THE END

To be continued after Bob and his friends go to Starbucks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EPISODE 3

After going to Starbuck’s and all getting XXXL mocha lattes, Bob and his friends passed out on Clive’s living room floor.

After they woke up, with MAJOR headaches, they all finished their XXXL mocha lattes, then passed out again.

After they woke up again, Bob and his friends decided NEVER to drink XXXL mocha lattes again.

Then they ate cookies for an hour while trying still to plot against Stevenson.

But, little did Bob know, that the existence of PIE was at risk.

THE END
To be continued, after Bob goes to the bathroom for many hours.

 

 

EPISODE 4

PIE is threatened.

Deep in the holes in the ground lied, over a game of cards, about their evil plots to conquer PIE. They are hungry.

Big and hairy, with eyes, these creatures are mammoths.

They want PIE.

Meanwhile, Bob and Robert are smelling flagpoles on Main Street. They smell like fish.

Robert is sickened by them.

Bob, however, doesn’t care about poles, and is instead looking for PIE.

Sadly, no PIE is to be found.

Bob is sad.

Where is all the PIE?

Bob decides to jump into a lake, searching for what appears to be floating PIE’s. Sadly, Bob has been WITHOUT PIE for so long; he is beginning to have mirages. PIE, it seems, has ceased to exist.

Bob cries out in terror.

Robert comes and tries to cheer Bob up, but Bob cannot be cheered up.

PIE is gone.

THE END

To be continued—once Bob is finished screaming in mortal terror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

EPISODE 5

When all PIE is gone.

Bob rushes back to Clive’s house, getting hit by a moving vehicle on the way, and upon arriving at Clive’s house, Robert behind him, he screams in mortal terror.

Clive rushes out, wondering what is wrong with Bob.

Bob tells him all PIE is gone.

Clive, Robert and Bob all scream in mortal terror.

What are they going to do?!

Just then, a big mammoth popped out of the ground, and yelled that the mammoths had taken all the worlds PIE. Then the mammoth disappeared back into the ground. The mammoth left a huge hole in the ground.

Bob declared that they must save PIE.

Robert and Clive agree.

Then Bob remembers they have no way of going deep into the ground.

Bob Clive and Robert eat more frosting cake, trying to figure out how to get underground.

They cannot figure out a way to get underground.

Is PIE doomed?

THE END

To be continued—when Bob, Robert, and Clive notice the obvious.

 

 

EPISODE 6

To save PIE!

Eventually, Bob, Robert and Clive notice the giant hole in the ground.

Bob calls a landscaper named Freddy to fix the hole.

Suddenly, just after calling Freddy, Bob realizes that the hole wrecked his garden.
Bob screams.

Then Bob realizes something else.

The big hole is the way to get deep underground to save PIE!

He calls Clive, Robert, and Freddy— who arrived moments ago.

Bob declares again that they will save PIE!

Robert, Clive, and Freddy—who has no idea what is going on—all ask how.

Bob points to the giant hole.

They all realize the garden is destroyed.

Bob faceplams.

He points to the hole again.

Robert and Clive gasp has they realize the hole is the way to get deep underground. Freddy, however, still doesn’t get it.

To save PIE! Yells Bob.

THE END

To be continued—after Bob’s garden is fixed.

 

 

EPISODE 7

Going deep.

Bob, armed with a SUPER SOAKER, and a powerful electric plunger, prepares to jump into the deep hole.

Robert, armed with a fishing pole, Clive, armed with a metal baseball bat, and Freddy, armed with two sharp shovels, prepare to jump in behind him.

For PIE! Bob screams, jumping head first into the hole.

His friends quickly follow behind.

A squirrel, as Bob passes by it while still falling, warns him that there are big pointy spikes at the bottom of the hole.

Bob screams.

Everyone screams.

What are they going to do?!

THE END

To be continued—when Robert goes fishing for dirt.

 

 

EPISODE 8

When Bob and friends fall.

Robert suddenly gets and idea!

Everyone thinks Robert is crazy.

He is going to go fishing for dirt!

Robert tells everyone to grab onto each other.

They all grab onto each other.

Robert flings his fishing pole at one of the dirt walls, and it bounces off, falling all the way to the bottom and getting destroyed by the spikes.

Well, that didn’t work.

Freddy has shovels.

Freddy throws shovels to everybody.

They grab them.

What do they do with the shovels?

They are getting closer to the spikes.

Freddy faceplams.

Bob sings to the shovel.

Freddy faceplams.

Robert cries.

Freddy faceplams.

Clive understands.

Clive digs his shovels into one of the dirt walls. He stops.

Robert does the same.

So does Bob.

Then Freddy.

Now they will not be mashed up into mangled bodies. Yay.
THE END

To be continued—

 

 

EPISODE 9

When Bob screamed.

Bob, Robert, Clive, and Freddy, all found themselves dangling from shovels, still at the risk of falling and being impaled by the big pointy spikes below.
They suddenly hear an evil chuckle, partly muffled by the fact that the owner of the evil chuckle has a face full of PIE.

It is Stevenson, evil leader of the hairy mammoths.

Bob, noticing Stevenson’s face full of PIE, screams the most terrible scream anyone has ever heard.

Prior to Bob’s scream of terror, the spikes shuck into the ground, allowing Bob and his friends to drop down.

They all let go, and let themselves free fall—which proved their stupidity.
They all hit the ground hard, and it hurt. A lot. Ouch.

THE END

To be continued, after Bob and his friends recover from their painful fall.

 

 

EPISODE 10

Following the Fall

Stevenson laughed manically at their plight, subsequently choking on his mouth full of PIE. Then he doubled over and waited for it to subside while the hairy mammoths surrounded Bob and his disoriented friends.

Bob and his friends got up, surrounded by hairy mammoths. The evil creatures that stole all the PIE.

Stevenson, now recovered, welcomed Bob and the others to the place under the dirt. Of course, he said it in the nicest/evilest way possible.

He held out some PIE in his hand to the group. Bob lunged to grab it, but the hairy mammoths stopped him.

Stevenson laughed.

Bob threw his wig and shoes at Stevenson. Bob is bald?

The evil PIE stealer screeched in horror as the shoes and wig hit him. He fell down to the ground, temporarily defeated.

Some mammoths carried him away to the place under the dirt’s infirmary.

Bob and his friends were led to a cell, still carrying their weapons. I thought elephants were smart?

THE END

To be continued—when mammoths like crayons.

 

 

EPISODE 11

The Colors of Dirt

Mammoth’s payment for stealing PIE was crayons, which they used to color the place under the dirt’s dirt. Stevenson, obviously, supplied the crayons, which are stolen, from the Washington Crayon Reserve.

Mammoths like crayons for whatever weird reason.

Bob and his friends were hating crayons right then, though. Brown-colored dirt surrounded their net-covered cells. How horrid.

Freddy, the landscaper said he hated brown-colored dirt while Bob frantically ran around the cell like a madman.

Robert was playing a tune on the solid dirt bars.

Clive was thinking he needed to replace his living room rug back at his house.

Hope was like jello, and they couldn’t eat it to save themselves.

Meanwhile, Stevenson was recovered and prepared to meet Bob again, this time not eating an obscene amount of PIE.

Mammoths, coloring dirt walls along the way with their crayons, accompanied him as they headed for the net-covered cell.

Stevenson carried a high-powered electric plunger, courtesy of stealing it from Bob.

Will he use it for evil, or to destroy Bob? Or is an electric toilet clogged up somewhere?

Will Bob and his friends escape the place under the dirt alive and at the same time save PIE?

Or will an electric toilet be fixed at no charge?

Who knows.

THE END

To be continued—when Minecraft Methodology comes in handy.

 

EPISODE 12

Hands can break just about anything; it might just take a while…

MINECRAFT METHODOLOGY—put to the test.

Robert learned something very important when he was playing music on the solid dirt bars: They began to slowly break very time he tapped on them.

This led to their imminent escape, eventually.

Presently, Bob had FINALLY calmed down, and he, Clive, and Freddy were talking around a pile of dirt shaped to appear like fire. In truth, it was fire colored like dirt. Fireproof crayon, genius.

Then Robert yelled that they could escape!

They all asked how.

Robert said by playing music on dirt.

They all looked at him weirdly.

Robert sighed.

Bob, Clive and Freddy went back to their talking, ignoring Robert’s proposed escape tactic.

Playing music on dirt? Had Robert lost his mind with the fishing pole?

A few minutes passed as Robert began a one-person opera on the bars like a radical musician. It was a strange sound, the opera on dirt, and it managed to catch the others attention away from their crayon-colored fire.

The bars broke into little pieces one by one as Robert continued his myriad of hits onto their brown surfaces.

Soon, the bars had vanished into a pile of discarded earthen remains.

Bob, Clive and Freddy were astonished. Their mouths hung all the way to the floor as they stared in disbelief at Robert’s accomplishment.

Then Robert snapped them out of it and Freddy—who hadn’t even received an explanation about this adventure—set to work cutting the net so they could escape once and for all! Oh, and save PIE, of course.

Bob, with new confidence, held his SUPER SOAKER in one hand and the other he held air, since Stevenson had stolen his electric plunger. When the net was cut into spider-shaped ribbons—Freddy liked art as well as landscaping—Bob led his intrepid group into the hall beyond.

They were free once more, and Bob had a score to settle with the evil Stevenson…

If he could ever find him in the maze of tunnels in the place under the dirt…

THE END

To be continued—when the landscaper helps them find a big iron room with an intimidating sign

 

EPISODE 13

Lost and then Arrows

Lost. The adjective lost was the term for the present condition of Bob and his friends. With an insinuating “Utterly” added at the beginning for emphasis, no less.

You see, Bob’s full name is Bob George Bakerpeople, of the greatest line of bakery-shop owners, the Bakerpeople Family. They owned more bakeries around the whole wide wide wide, wide wide wide world than any other family line ever and baked some of the most delicious pies generation after generation.

However good they were about owning bakeries and making pies, though, the Bakerpeople Family had abandoned their sense of direction a long time ago.

And Bob, being a Bakerpeople himself and leading the group, shared the trait of directional obliviousness.

And thus, they were completely, and utterly lost with Bob as their directionally unwitty guide.

Freddy was the first to raise a query on their aimless journey through the tunnels.

Bob said he was trying his best. Which turned out to be pretty bad.

Freddy looked at the crayon-colored walls as they continued on. He noticed that some of the scribbles were drawings—signs. Arrows with little captions in them.

One read “Main Secret Vault” and pointed straight down a tunnel to the right way.

Freddy directed the others to it and they decided to follow the sign’s direction. Perhaps the “Main Secret Vault” held PIE.

Soon, they came upon an empty, really high ceilinged cavern with a ceiling of iron and lead, and walls that were likewise. On the far end was a massive vault door of the same materials, with an intimidating sign that read: “Trespassers will be eaten by cupcakes. Survivors shall be eaten again, with extra frosting.”

The group trembled at the sign and looked nervously for nearby cupcakes. There were none, so Bob declared they must investigate the vault door!

And on they went…

THE END

To be continued—when we ask the rhyming question: “Who knew Clive was so cool?!”

EPISODE 14

Cupcake Combat

The intrepid group walked carefully through the big metal room/cavern, wary for the arrival of man-eating cupcakes. Stevenson was evil after all, and enjoyed treats—why wouldn’t there be hunger-mad cupcakes?

They reached the vault door without incident. The group “Whewed” before regaining themselves and looking upon the door. It was as tall as the ceiling and surprisingly shiny. At the average man’s height were two doorknobs right next to each other.

Bob grabbed onto both and twisted.

And the metal cavern screamed a metallic scream. Bob, Clive, Robert and Freddy all covered their ears it was so loud. The sound reverberated through the room with horrid amplification. It was a true wonder why the group didn’t go deaf.

Following the scream, the walls seemed to sustain pock holes that grew large, and released a spawn of angry-mad cupcakes. The mini-cake-monsters had wrathful vermilion eyes, paper cups with “EVIL, EVIL, EVIL” all over them, and a variety of frostings and sprinkles. They screamed in spongy voices, “Vos manducare! Vos manducare! Vos manducare!” And you can guess what that meant.

The malicious mini-cake-monsters converged quickly on Bob and his companions, intent on eating them dead or alive.

As their doom seemed outright obvious, and the evil cupcakes about to devour them, Clive literally jumped into action.

He snatched the SUPER SOAKER from Bob (still fully loaded, it may be noted) and catapulted himself into the fray of cakes, blasting away with the powerful water weapon.

The water soaked into the wicked cupcakes, turning them into piles of wet mush. The water was a deadly means of ammunition against them, and fired by the SUPER SOAKER, it was an unstoppable strafe of H₂O. Clive laughed hysterically, his onslaught of liquid ammo obliterating the mutant confections wherever his sight directed.

The battle was quickly decided in the favor of Clive, who would later be given the nickname “Water Wielder’ for his epic newfound skills with SUPER SOAKERS.

He stood victorious above the mushy remains of his flavorful foe. He blew on the tip of the water rifle and a small cloud of mist rose from it.

The evil mutant cupcakes were defeated. And not too soon, for Clive was out of ammunition.

So ended the Clive verses Malformed Cupcakes battle. And the question is asked, “Who knew Clive was so cool?! (And why didn’t they tell us before?!)”

THE END

To be continued—right after Clive updates his blog

 

EPISODE 15

Iron and Lead Shan’t Fall on Your Head…

Bob, Robert and Freddy were very grateful to Clive for his service in protecting the group, and as they were expressing their thanks, the metal cavern screamed again.
I’m guessing it was mad at Clive for killing its mutant cupcakes.

The cavern began to fall apart, like brittle pasta sheets dropped by an oven with anger management issues, metal and lead dropped in pieces about the self-destroying room.

Bob tried twisting the doorknobs again, but it was no use. The vault wouldn’t open.

Robert shouted that he saw an opening nearby with a sign that read “Iron and Lead Shan’t Fall on Your Head”.

The group ran to it, avoiding the falling metals as the cavern crumbled around them.

At last, they reached it and dived in. They didn’t have time to see what was inside.

Rubble covered the hole behind them, sealing the cavern off.

Freddy was so relieved that they were alive, he yelled, “Yay for weed cutters!”

Everyone else ignored him. It made no sense anyway.

Then Bob looked around and saw they were in a place called “Security Center”. Seven Security Mammoths were in there too, with lots of screens and cameras. Their weapons were high-powered hot glue and stapler guns.

Uh oh.

THE END

To be continued—uh…

 

 

EPISODE 16

To The Final Square (Aka: The Longest Bob Loves PIE Episode Ever)

The Security Mammoths noticed the intrepid group and, as quick as mammoths can, surrounded them with weapons drawn.

The mammoths told them to put their feet up, and so, they did. Robert did it a little roughly, though, and kicked the mammoth in front of him so hard it knocked the beast over.

It was unintentional, but nonetheless, it served as the distraction needed to catch the mammoths unawares.

Clive sprang into action, darting through the hole Robert had made in the wall of creatures. Once outside the mammoth ring, he quickly searched for something to use as weaponry. Clive saw a stack of glass plates on the security table and grabbed them. Then he began dishing out the hurt, disorienting the mammoths with plates to the head.

Freddy was the next to take action. He snatched a hot glue gun from one of the fallen mammoths and sprayed steaming glue across the seven Security Mammoths, immobilizing them.

Bob said “Good work!” and then that they needed to move fast, before more of the hairy creatures arrived.

Clive armed himself with a pair of stapler guns; Freddy abandoned the glue gun and took a weed whacker from the Security Center’s utility closet; Robert adopted the use of a glue rifle, and Bob chose a decorative pellet-launcher. They donned cardboard armor with pipe-cleaner masks—all reinforced, of course—that they found in an armor closet. The armor didn’t fit perfectly, but they made it work. It was better than no armor at all.

As the intrepid group searched and raided the Security Center, Bob found a bigger-than-normal door that read “Vault Entrance – Security”.

He called his friends over and, newly equipped with the mammoth’s weaponry and armor, opened the door and stepped into… an elevator.

Once they were all inside, the door shut and the elevator began to descend.

Elevator music played from an overhead speaker as they went down in otherwise silence.

Finally, the elevator stopped and the door opened. The group stepped out into a small room, then the elevator door shut behind them and, following a brief moment, a door in front of them opened with a hiss.

It was an awe moment for Bob as the several miles long and wide vault filled with thousands upon thousands of PIEs was revealed—the entire world’s supply.

(The vault was climate controlled, btw.)

Bob fell to his cardboard-armored knees as the awesome awesomeness of the awe-inspiring scene blasted him in the face like an overcharged hairdryer.

For a full minute of artificial sunshine (they were underground, after all) Bob sat on his knees and stared, not just with his eyes, but his stomach, at the vault’s contents.

When he finally moved again, the scene was forever embedded in a part of his retinas.

Then he yelled in great exuberance, “PIE!” and started to run to the precious bakery food as if two seconds away from being reunited with his best long lost friend.

A long lost friend who was suddenly barred off from him.

Iron bars fell from an exposed slot in the ceiling that ran the whole length of the vault and crashed down to form a bar-rier separating Bob from the beautiful PIEs. Similar bar-riers came down on either side and behind, blocking all ways to the PIE.

An alarm sounded and Security Mammoths rushed in from hidden doors.

An evil laugh, this time not muffled by a mouthful of delicious PIE, resounded through the vault.

The Evil Stevenson had found them once more.

Will Stevenson and his subterranean mammoths overcome Bob and his loyal friends once and for all?

Will the world above ground be doomed never to see another PIE?

Will dirt-colored fire ever become a nationally sold merchandise?!

Will we ever know?!

The END

…