I am trapped.
I realize it more everyday. There is no escape, there is nothing else. I am trapped. Those of you reading this may assume I am some prisoner in some adventurous tale. You are almost right.
I am a prisoner to the realness of reality. I am a prisoner in a world of men who can leave nothing to mystery. Did you know that scientists have lasers that can map out every single bump and crevice of caves? In the Chovet Cave in Frace, there are many parts that cannot be explored without destroying priceless artifacts and bones. Today, we humans do not like the unknown. The unknown brings change, great or small, and change scares us. There is nothing unknown about the mapping of that cave, thanks to our hypocratic fear of the greatest thing we could have today. I say hypocratic because, well, we fear change, yet look at how different the world is compared to even twenty years ago.
I am trapped. Trapped by reality.
I realize more and more there is no escape. No hidden fold in the existence of the universe. I realize more and more the contrast between fantasy and reality. The line between the two is so real, so solid, i could almost slam right into it. You might say, “Whats so awful? You can read fantasy books, watch the movies. It almost brings it to life. Isnt that an escape?” But, if you were to say that, you would be wrong. The line I just mentioned? Movies, books, they are what makes that line more real. If you dont understand my point, picture this;
If a famous actor from a movie you loved, say, Leonardo DiCaprio, or Johnny Depp, stood behind a glass wall holding a million dollar bill, acting exactly like you thought they would, and then offered you the million dollars, of course you would accept it. But, when you stepped forward to take it, you would hit your face hard on that glass wall. A lot of people would tell you that it was soooo amazing that the famous Leo DiCaprio was right there, offering you a million dollars, and perhaps for you, that “almost” would be enough. But if you are like me, you would keep banging into that glass. Repeatedly hurting yourself in an attempt to break through it, and reach what you arent willing to accept is unreachable.
Thats me in a paragraph.
I am trapped. Trapped by the great expanse of my world.
I know i am a foolish and ungrateful child to be unsatisfied with the life i was given, but who could ever blame me for wanting that million dollars? Its right there, in front of my face, pressed up against the glass. And still, as it will always be, i cant reach it. People get mad at me sometimes for not living in reality, saying i keep my head in “fantasy land” too much, and that i confuse what is real with what is not. Those people could never understand. I know the difference better than anyone i know. I am like the Titanic, sinking into the ocean of everything modern, after hitting the iceberg of noticable impossiblities, having had it grind into my side. And i am sending out an S.O.S signal that cannot be heard, will not be heard. I am like the black leopard, pacing in his cage. Pacing and pacing, until he has seen nothing but the bars of his cage for so long, he can see ONLY those bars. A cage. It is what i say when asked what I fear most. As Lady Eowyn so perfectly put it in Lord of the Rings;
“I fear a cage. To be kept behind bars until use and old age accept them, and all chance of valor and great deeds has gone beyond recall or desire.”
I am trapped. And I can never get out.