The crescendo is upon us. The music has reached its peak. Will you dare to know the truth? Can you live in its wake?
Then read on, friend. Read on.
Chapter 15
The medicine felt like fire in her mouth. Twelve capsules this time, about half of what she had taken with her. Still thinking ahead, still holding on to the hope that there would be something more. Something still alive after everything she knew lay cold and dead under the force of the truth.
All sense of time and place dissolved. The sudden surge of chemicals drove her far, far below the fantasies and rationalizations, a million miles beyond the lies.
Back to the Beginning.
***
Ell sat on the living-room couch, bouncing up and down on the springy cushion. She didn’t like waiting, and today it was even more impossible than usual. Daddy was late getting home, which happened every once in a while, but on today of all days…
Today was her birthday. Her sixth birthday, to be exact. She held up her hands in front of her face, counting on her fingers. One, two, three, four, and two thumbs. Six. Mommy had showed her that. Something new to show Daddy, when he got home.
She glanced at the clock for the thousandth time. Still 5:35pm. Five minutes late. He always worked on her birthday, but he never forgot to bring her home a present. Last year, it had been a fuzzy stuffed duck named Peep, to help her sleep at night. She still had it in her bedroom, right next to her pillow. What would she get this year? Daddy never gave her hints.
The air smelled of cinnamon; mommy was making birthday food in the big kitchen. Last year, she had gone out and bought a cake, but the fruit topping had tasted funny, and the next day they had all gotten sick. This time, she was baking it herself.
The sound of an approaching car engine brought her springing off the couch, racing over to look out the big picture window next to the front door. Her face fell as she surveyed the driveway; the noise had only been a passing truck. Still no daddy. Ell watched for a minute, just to make sure, then meandered back to the couch.
Her mother called to her from the next room. “Elinor, is dad home yet?”
“No, mom.”
“Okay. Let me know when you see him.”
“Kay.”
Hopping once more from the couch, Ell moved to the short table in the center of the living room. A variety of crayons and pencils lay strewn across its surface, ready to aid her in whatever creative endeavor drew her interest. She picked an orange crayon from the mess, giving it a quick check to ensure it was just the right shade. Satisfied, she pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from her pocket, laying it as smoothly as she could on the tabletop.
“Hi, Mei.”
The girl-shaped figure scrawled on the paper did not reply, staring up at her with hollow eyes.
“You look pretty today. It’s my birthday, you know.”
Reaching down, Ell began to color a circle on a corner of the paper.
“I’m making you a sun. It’s big and warm and nice. Paper is all… white. Too cold for you. The sun is nice.”
The image on the paper smiled. It always smiled; she’d drawn it that way.
“All done! Do you want a tree? Or a bird? I haven’t made a bird before.”
The rattle of a familiar engine brought Ell rushing over to the window again. There was a smallish gray car pulling into the driveway, bouncing slightly as it ran over a bump in the pavement. Daddy’s car.
“Dad’s home!” she shouted, already halfway out the door.
The heat of the summer sun did little to curb her enthusiasm as she ran barefoot across the blacktop. Her father was stepping from the car, reaching back for a plastic bag on the passenger seat. At the last second, he heard her coming, turning and catching her up in his arms. His smile was as big as hers was as he swung her through the air, setting her gently on the grass.
“Careful, Ell! The pavement will hurt your feet in this weather. The grass is a lot better, yes?”
Ell nodded vigorously. “Did you bring me something?”
He laughed. “You’ve got to be patient! Let’s wait until after dinner, okay? Your mother’s been cooking all day. Let’s go see what she’s made!”
Pausing only briefly to pick up his bag, Ell’s father lead the way inside. Ell followed, skipping along beside the hot driveway. It was going to be a great birthday.
***
“…Happy birthday, dear Elinor, Happy birthday to you!”
Ell squeezed her eyes shut and blew as hard as she could. When she opened her eyes again, she was delighted to find that all six of the candles had gone out. Her parents applauded, and she grinned.
“I get my wish, right?”
Her father laughed. “Yep! You blew all the candles out! What did you wish for?”
Ell’s mother interrupted before she could reply. “Now, now, James! It won’t come true if she tells you!”
“Oh, right! Never mind.”
Ell watched them cut the cake, a delicious cinnamon-apple crumb cake, with big chunks of apple baked right into it. It looked a lot more tasty than the one from the supermarket.
Her father pushed his chair back. “Forgot something, dear. I’ll be right back. Go ahead and eat, Ell! It looks super-good.”
Ell was already eating, every bite like pure heaven. Her mother took some as well, savoring the flavor.
“This is good! Do you like it, Ell?”
“M-hm.”
The slice of cake vanished in minutes. Ell still wanted more, but she was quite sure her stomach would actually pop if she had another piece. Her mother began to pick up the dishes, moving them to the sink in the far corner of the kitchen.
“What’s keeping your father? He’d better be back soon, or I may have to send out a search party.”
Ell didn’t reply, rocking back and forth on her chair. A thought suddenly occurred to her, and her eyes lit up.
“Mommy! I have a song!”
Her mother didn’t look up. “A song?”
“Yep. I read it in the rhyme book you got me! Want me to sing it to you?”
“Sure. Want to help me with the dishes?”
“No.”
“Well, alright. I guess you’re off the hook, but just because it’s your birthday. What’s the song?”
“It’s about a baby, and a mommy that gets the baby nice things when he cries. Promise you won’t laugh if I sing it wrong.”
“I promise, Ell.”
“Okay.”
After a moment of thought, Ell got the lyrics more or less straight in her head.
“Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you… wait, okay, I got it. Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird, and if that mockingbird won’t sing, mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring-”
A fork clattered on the floor. Ell paused, waiting to see if her mother would pick it up, but she didn’t seem to realize that she’d dropped it. Her face looked sort of… blank, almost. She just stood there, staring at the dishes. After a minute, Ell resumed singing.
“If that diamond ring turns brass, mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass, and if that looking glass gets broke, Mama’s gonna buy you a billy goat.”
Ell paused and giggled. “Why would a baby want a billy goat? That’s silly. And if that billy goat don’t pull, mama’s gonna buy you a cart and a bull, and if-”
Her mother leaned over and vomited into the sink. Ell scrambled off her chair, opening her mouth to scream for her father. What actually came out was a sonorous pulse of sound that rang in the tiny kitchen, shaking the walls and cracking one of the water glasses on the table. She tried again to speak, and this time words did tumble out, but they were not the ones she wanted.
“If that cart and bull tip over, mama’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover, and if that dog named Rover don’t bark…”
It wasn’t her voice. Where was the rest of the music coming from? Like a whole orchestra jammed into her throat, filling the air with the now-terrifying rhyme.
Her mother tried to turn to face her, but seemed to lose all strength in mid-motion, dropping to her hands and knees. She appeared to be screaming, but Ell couldn’t hear any noise over the sound resonating from her own chest. Tears filled her eyes as she stood, paralyzed, singing in flawless soprano; “Mama’s gonna buy you a horse and a cart, and if that horse and cart fall down, you’ll still be the sweetest… little… baby… in town…”
The last note seemed to hold forever, turning the air to molten honey. The wheels of time caught, strained against each other… and started again to turn.
Ell snapped out of her daze, rushing to her mother’s side.
“Mommy! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
She wrapped her arms around her mother’s shoulders, burying her face in the folds of her mother’s shirt. She could still hear the music in her head, a horrible, horrible sound that would never be forgotten. Her mother wasn’t moving; she didn’t even seem to be breathing. Help. She needed help.
Ell turned, taking a step in the direction of the kitchen phone, but stopped when she saw her father standing in the entrance to the dining room.
“Daddy! Mommy’s hurt. We need to help her.”
He didn’t reply, or make any motion of any kind. His arms hung loosely at his sides, his body swaying slightly from left to right. Frozen in place, like her mother.
At least, his body was. His face was another matter. Every muscle was stretched taught, twisting his usually-gentle expression into a rictus of anger and pain. His lips were curled back like the snarl of a mad dog, his teeth clicking together in staccato rhythm. Thin trails of blood ran from his eyes, ears, and nose, turning his white shirt collar a brilliant red.
Ell didn’t dare move, or speak, or even draw a breath. The thing that should have been her father remained motionless as well, his eyes jittering about, unseeing.
Her mother let out a tiny cough, the sound like a gunshot in the dead silence. Ell’s father moved so fast, Ell didn’t even realize he had moved before he was already past her, body-slamming his wife’s prone form with the entirety of his weight. She let out a scream, but it was not a helpless cry of fear; it was an animal shriek, the sound of violence and fury, the hunted attacking the hunter. Furniture smashed, and a shelf above the sink collapsed, raining a whole set of wine glasses down on the pair.
Ell ran to the hall closet, dragging it open, throwing herself inside and slamming the door behind her. She was crying hysterically, at the same time trying with all her might to silence her sobs. Why was this happening? It was her sixth birthday. She’d waited all day, and had cake, and still had a present to unwrap. It was supposed to be happy!
The tumult ended with a horrid popping snap, the sound of something breaking that was never meant to break.
Silence.
Breathing, crying, blinded by tears and darkness, both hands over her mouth.
The sound of someone moving slowly down the hall. Heavy footfalls, fabric dragging against a wall.
She wanted to die. She wanted the world to go away and never, ever come back. She wanted daddy and mommy back. The real ones, not the frozen bodies and scary faces. She wanted to go into a tiny box and stay there forever and ever. A happy, safe box, with nothing in it but her and-
A hand closed on the closet handle. Ell willed the unknown person away, commanded him with every ounce of her being to let go of the door, move away, go anywhere but right here, in the hall, in the exact spot she hid.
The handle did not turn; it was wrenched clean off the door and thrown violently through the living room window. The flimsy wood broke to splinters as her father forced his way through. Ell screamed, tried to run past him, but he moved like lightning, catching her by the hair, yanking her painfully off her feet.
She turned as best she could, and was immediately struck in the face by a fist like a cinderblock. She shrieked and tried to turn away, but found herself pinned by both her hair and her own body weight.
The second blow broke her nose, and she blacked out entirely.
Consciousness returned moments later. Her feet dragged on the hardwood floor, bumping over the uneven panels as she was pulled along. The thing (she couldn’t think of it as her father any more) was yanking her along like a broken doll, his hand curled with crushing force around her wrist. They were at the basement stairs now; the rough steps slammed against her heels as they went.
The monster was talking, its voice a distorted parody of her father’s. “Hate you, I try so hard, and I want to die, but you need to, to die, dead, like a little dead puppy, eat you, hate you, this, and you all can just go to hell, you and… this… that infernal noise, shut up shut up shut up…”
The cellar door splintered as Ell’s crazed father slammed his forehead into it, ignoring the pain and the blood that spurted from his hairline. With a roar, he repeated the motion, and this time the door gave way in a shower of wood chips and dust.
The basement beyond was small, dirt-floored and laced with wispy cobwebs. It had gone mostly unused in the years they had lived there, aside from the tiny off-white room in the farthest corner. A cold room, used to store things for later. Or forever.
“Make you… stay away… and… hurts… hurts so bad… god, my eyes, they’re in my eyes!”
The colorless floor rushed up to meet her, and she hit hard. Slowly, she rolled onto her back, her eyes turning heavenward in final desperation.
The only thing above her was a lonely lightbulb, hanging immobile, like a burning spider at the end of its web. It seemed to be staring at her, the eye of the devil watching her suffer.
“Stay there, you horrid… hurting… everything should, dying…”
The walls shook as the door slammed, and she was alone with the light.
Though the physical pain was gone, so was her mind. The whiteness grew around her, dissolving the day’s events, blanking out the past weeks one by one. Soon, there was nothing left but an empty canvass, a vast expanse where nothing lived, nothing thrived. A featureless land, waiting to be healed, to be given form.
So Ell reached out with her mind, and began to draw.
On the patch of darkness at her side, she drew two eyes. They were round and beautiful, like twin moons. So, too, was the mouth, thin and wide as the face would allow.
Ell waved.
The shadow waved back.
What’s your name? Ell asked without words.
Shadow-girl moved her hand, and her fingers formed a message in a language Ell did not know.
I can’t read that. Are you my friend?
The shadow nodded.
I called my last friend Mei. Want to be Mei?
Another nod.
Okay. Now we have to wait. It’s all white now, but I’ll make more things for us. I’ll make you a beautiful world, okay?
This time, Mei grinned.
Good. Where shall we start…?
Somewhere a clock was ticking, but time no longer moved.
***
She made the door from steel, woven from strands too fine for any eye to make out. All that hurt her, all that frightened her, all she could no longer stand to hold in her mind; these things found themselves on the far side of the door, isolated for all time.
It took a while. The monsters struggled and fought, shredding sizable portions of her mind in a last desperate effort to remain, but in the end, she was too strong for them. One by one, they were lost to the beyond, consumed by the door.
Finally, she sealed the door within itself, a paradox that became a passing flicker of confusion before vanishing as well.
Now her world was safe.
Back to the waiting.
***
A woman was holding her hand, walking with her down a long hall. The woman wasn’t real, of course; just another passing dream, a white-coated faceless construct to populate her mindscape. Even so, the imaginary hand was warm and soft, holding Ell’s gently as she was lead along.
She was in a room, now. Walls all white, like before, but now the room had furniture as well. A wide oak desk, with a little lamp perched on top. Two comfy-looking chairs, one in the corner, one in front of the desk. A window, too high for her to see out of, letting the sunlight pool on the floor.
A tallish man stood before the desk, watching as she approached. He was an older man, gray hairs flecking his black comb-over, but his eyes held an intensity that belied his age.
His voice, when he spoke, was bright and cheerful. “Well, hello there! What’s your name?”
Ell smiled shyly. “Elinor. I like Ell, though.”
The man smiled back. “Ell. That’s a very special name. I’m Richard Anderson. I’m a doctor. How do you feel, Ell?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.”
Dr. Anderson didn’t seem surprised. “That’s okay. You can decide later. Or never, if you wish. I hear you’ve been… alone for some time now, but you won’t eat. Aren’t you hungry?”
“No. I eat all the time. Mei feeds me stuff. Where’s daddy?”
Casting the briefest flicker of a glance at the white-coated woman, Dr. Anderson lowered himself to look Ell in the eyes.
“Daddy is gone. He’ll be gone for a long time.”
Ell frowned. “But I need him. Is mommy gone, too?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because… because someone took them away. We don’t know who yet, but we’ll find them one day. It may take a very long time, but we will find them.”
Silence filled the room as Ell considered.
“You’re wrong.”
Dr. Anderson leaned back slightly. “Pardon?”
“I don’t think someone took them. I saw mommy when I left the white room. She was all bent up and funny-looking. The people in the blue coats put a blanket on her, but I saw her first. Daddy broke her.”
Dr. Anderson had risen to his full height, his face twitching slightly. “Broke… her…?”
Ell grinned. “It’s okay. He won’t break anyone else. I put him inside the door, with the bad things. We’re safe now, okay?”
“Safe…?” the doctor echoed hollowly.
Reaching out, Ell placed her tiny hand as high as she could reach on Dr. Anderson’s arm. “I like you. Will you be my new daddy?”
For the first time, Dr. Anderson let his surprise show. His mouth opened and closed noiselessly as he tried to formulate the response.
Ell grew impatient. “Please? Please please?”
At long last, he nodded.
“Yes, Ell. I’ll be your father.”
Ell giggled. “Okay!”
She reached up, standing on tip-toes. “Hug?”
Somewhat stiffly, her new father got down on one knee, taking her carefully in his arms. She embraced him back with all the warmth and happiness she could muster.
They stayed in that position for what seemed like eternity.
Father was the first to let go, patting her awkwardly between her shoulders. She moved back as well, giving him her biggest smile.
“You’re a cool daddy. Do you have a big house?”
Dr. Anderson nodded, still looking rather dazed. “Yes, ahm, yes, it’s a very nice house.”
“Can we go there?”
“It’s… it’s actually… well, you’re in it right now, actually. Lots of other people live here as well, but it’s not crowded, I assure you. Actually… we have a room for you, Ell. It’s a nice room, with a big window. You can see the mountains from there. Would you like to go see it?”
Ell nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes, yes. Can we right now?”
“Yes, we can.”
Daddy turned to the woman. “I’ll see her to her room. Tell the officers we’re taking her up.”
Almost without thinking, he took her hand in his, holding it like one holds a fragile eggshell. Then, walking slowly to allow Ell to keep pace, he walked from the room.
Ell was talking the whole way. “I hope it’s a big room. Is the bed soft? I want to see the window and the mountains. Is there room for my friend? Her name is Mei, she wants to meet you…”
***
The door was disintegrating.
There had always been holes, tiny ones, letting bits of the darkness slip through into her dreams. Over the years, there were more and more of them, crawling along, oozing about in the dark places. Growling at her, gnashing their teeth at her.
Whispering to her.
Now the room lay empty. The darkness had fled, never to return. They had never been there, not really. Nothing more than dangerous thoughts, crawling about, cloaking themselves in the guise of monsters. The real danger lay behind the Door.
Now the gateway was coming apart, torn asunder by Ell herself. Whatever lay beyond, whatever price she would have to pay, it paled to insignificance when she thought of Mei, lost in that last stronghold of dark imagination.
With all the energy she could muster, she drove her will into the door.
Still it stood.
Again, she smashed herself into it, backed by the devastating power of the drugs coursing through her system.
The Door held, but there was a crack. A tiny, hairline crack, barely discernible…
One last time, she struck against the mental fortification, becoming in her mind’s eye a burning spearhead of anger, courage, love, and determination.
The Door gave way with a force that must have shaken the cosmos, turning to ash beneath Ell’s onslaught.
Ell slowed, somewhat startled by the sudden absence of an obstacle.
Darkness loomed beyond, a great yawning chasm designed to hold a lifetime of terror and pain. Light stopped where the door had once stood; nothing could be seen or heard in the awful, cavernous prison.
Breathe in.
Pause.
Breathe out.
Another pause. She dared not enter the void, nor did she dare leave it. Frozen in that moment of indecision, waiting…
Mei slipped from the emptiness, winding around and up Ell’s legs. The shadow-girl was entirely corporeal, cocooning Ell in a full-body hug, squeezing flat across her human friend’s entire body like a second skin. Ell wrapped her arms around herself, trying to return the hug, crying and laughing at the same time. Mei was alive! She was safe!
“How touching. A little girl and her imaginary friend, so sad and alone.”
Brushing aside Mei’s ghostly face with as much care as she could manage, Ell glanced about for the source of the voice. The darkness entombing the mental prison seemed to be receding, drawing away from her at a visible pace. Her eyes caught a flicker of something far away, still wreathed in black fog. It was to that unknown presence that the darkness seemed drawn, churning about it, blending into it, feeding it.
All that had been within, all the malice, terror, and pain, now took human form and stood before her.
“All these years I’ve watched you. I saw through their eyes, when you dreamed of the White Place. Always you would awaken. Always you would leave me behind. Bury me under your absurd fantasies. All these years without you, Elinor. But now, now we can be together. Together at last. Do you even know me any more? Has that cheap imitation stolen your heart? Remember me, Ell. I’ve finally… come… home.”
Whether it was the pills, the odd warm feeling of Mei pressed against her skin, or something else entirely, Ell could find no trace of fear in her heart. She stared into the eyes of evil incarnate, and she did not back away.
“Hello, daddy.”